It was a cold January day, shortly after Christmas, when my mom called to tell me that she and my dad had separated and would divorce. I was in my late 20s, and I had been married for nearly half a decade myself.
My parents’ breakup got tricky for me to deal with almost immediately, and I began seeking help in various books and on the Internet. However, it didn’t take long for me to discover much of the self-help material was written by people who either had not gone through the experience or were unwilling to look at the complicated situation honestly. In short, the advice was artificial and affected.
“Don’t Take Sides” Advice for Adult Children of Divorce
The first and principal counsel for grown children of divorce is that they shouldn’t take the side of one parent or the other. On the surface, it sounds like reasonable and solid advice, but it is lacking in substance.
The guidance is typically accompanied by a patronizing script grown children should follow to explain to their parents that they refuse to get into the middle of their situation because they love them both.
I feel like pulling my hair out strand by strand when I read these stiff and mannered tips.
Taking Sides in My Parents’ Divorce
My parents split up after 30 years of marriage. This more than a quarter of a century of being together translated into the equivalent number of years of pent-up frustration, anger, and hurt. Any marriage that ends after this many years has certainly not been perfect despite illusions of stability.
My parents separated because my mother could no longer live in half-awareness of my father’s transgressions. Sure, she knew things were not quite right, but she didn’t want to fully embrace her gut feelings. On the other side of the divide, my dad felt my mom controlled and did not appreciate him. The conundrum I had was being able to understand and sympathize with both of my parents’ points of view.
My parents were suffering, and both were looking for an ally. Since I grew up under the banner of my parents’ frayed marriage, I understood their hurts; a version of their pain was my own. This perfect storm of emotion was unrelenting. I was pulled into the tornado – though this statement is less passive than it seems – and quickly found myself feeling the ugly emotion of disdain for my parents as I experienced their disdain for one another.
Hesitant Insight into Dealing with My Parents’ Breakup
Gradually, over several years, I came to a crossroads of awareness about my parents’ separation. My insight was simple: I realized there is no way to gracefully travel through rough, shifting, and hostile terrain. I began to be able to articulate why self-help materials that advise adult children to take the high road and be a beacon of rationality for their parents are misguided. This is not and should not be the role of grown kids and the implementation of the advice inevitably backfires.
I started to become more tolerant of my unpolitically correct blunders in handling my parents’ divorce as I came to two realizations that have helped me immensely:
- I have accepted that it is normal to feel alienated from my mom, my dad, or both at different times.
- I have tried to remain a bystander as much as possible in the tug-of-war between my parents. (This strategy, however, requires that I frequently refer back to my first realization as the inevitable repercussions of being aloof manifest themselves.)
Effects of Mom and Dad’s Divorce on Adult Kids
My parents have been divorced for several years now, and the emotionality of the situation has lessened somewhat. New challenges, including coping with my parents’ dating and new spouses as well as coordinating separate gatherings for holidays and events, have surfaced. I continually reacquaint myself with my insights into how to accept the flawed and imperfect nature of broken families. I have become more of a realist, which is freeing and necessary for my sanity.
Sources:
Adult Child and Divorce: When Parents Clash, Medicine.net. Retrieved September 30, 2010.
When the “Kids” Aren’t Kids, DivorceInfo.com. Retrieved September 30, 2010.
Aimee Larsen Stoddard - Aimee is a professional writer/editor. She has a BA in English and is currently completing an MS in Theology.
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